Emmanuel

So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son. ~ John 1:14 (NLT)

Today I heard a most beautiful song by Chris Tomlin called "Emmanuel". It moved me to tears as I replayed it over and over again, meditating on what it meant - "Emmanuel". I remembered how the revelation of "God with us" hit me years ago through the scriptures in John chapter 1, in particular the words "the Word became human, and made His home among us." I remembered being taken by surprise when those words lit up my spirit. It was like my spirit gasped, being arrested by such lofty knowledge, that God, that God Himself, would choose to be human, and not just that, make His home among us.

I remembered thinking that the invisible, Almighty God was not just an apparition somewhere, nor a mystical deity that sat in the unreachable heavens, and demanded that man grovel to make sense of life and death and everything in between. I remembered telling myself, that if actions truly spoke louder that words, then God must have had the biggest cosmic amplifier when He decided to clothe Himself with perishable flesh and make His home among man.

I remembered that living out your faith wasn't my bright idea, but something which the loving Creator had long ago taken first rights to. His name is Faithful. And if He could not bring that faith into action, He would have gone against His own name. So Faithful became flesh. So that we can see what Faith-full looks like, how He would behave, how He would live, and how He would die.

I remembered being deeply humbled and terrified, in a good way, that God had the ability to compress ALL His power into that little human body that was Jesus as we know it. And that He did not give instructions for life in some distant academic and legal way. But He demonstrated and showed with His life, flesh and blood, talk and action, tears and laughter, how it was like to truly live. Jesus was the most alive person that ever walked the earth.

I'm grateful that instructions for life and the life after did not come in cryptic fine print but in stories and illustrations that could touch and illuminate all of us. God is the greatest communicator of all, and He, in all His amazing wisdom, knew how He created us... with appetites for stories, for authenticity, and for a need to understand and be understood. And He did precisely that.

So need we ever doubt? John 1:14 says that He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness, and we have seen His glory. He did not just clothe himself to be like us, but He made His home here. He did not just say, I am coming. But He said, He is with us.

Immanuel - God with us. That's His name.

"The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel" —which means, "God with us." ~ Matthew 1:23 (NIV)

Freely receive, freely give

This has been a physically challenging year for me. First I was diagnosed with Meniere's Disease in January, then a slipped disc in the neck in June, then a bone tumour in my hand in August followed by surgery which I'm still recovering from, and now chickenpox in November.

Many people have graciously and lovingly reminded me that perhaps, God's wanting me to rest. While I won't deny that rest is certainly important, I find it rather difficult to think that my loving Father would use these means to meet His purpose. I don't deny that rest is important for me, and I have been running myself ragged quite often, but to have one physical ailment after another so that I can rest? I can scarcely believe it.

So begins my journey of figuring out why this year has been wrought with sickness and disease. I can come up with several reasons myself, and am still in the midst of figuring it out. But out of this season of feeling "pressed by not crushed, struck down but not destroyed", there is certainly one thing I have learnt and experienced deeply - and that is love.

I experienced love from my staff team. Being on medical leave for one month due to the hand surgery meant that they had to hold the fort. I have not heard one single whisper of complaint or resentment for that. On the contrary, extraordinary grace and support have been extended, and every single member of my team has risen up to fill the gaps I have left.

I saw how they rallied around me and each other. Besides pulling in extra for the work, they served me by driving me around, helping with my physio, cutting my food into smaller pieces, and banning me from attending more meetings than I should.

And when chickenpox hit, I was so moved when some of them offered to cook for me. Home-cooked food is a rarity for me, and when I get it at every meal for the past week, it is such a treat. I can hardly believe that I'm eating food cooked by Dee, John's mum, Jacq Phun, her mum and Sharon! They prepared food that was suitable for me, and made lots of "cooling" drinks for me as well. As the Chinese saying goes, food goes into your mouth, but the sweetness is in the heart. This entry doesn't do justice to the kindness and generosity they have shown, and this includes all the husbands as well!

And the youth! They have been sending me emails and messages, praying for me and encouraging me. Today, a group of them even turned up at my door with a special surprise just to cheer me up because they heard that I was miserable being cooped up at home. Loved!

But the epitome of it all is my amazing husband. He has been unwavering in his prayers and care for me. Of course, that's what he's supposed to do (well, he said so in our wedding vows! "in sickness and in health"... Haha...) But I guess I didn't realise the impact of those words and what it REALLY means to love IN sickness.

This is especially marked during the recovery from the surgery at my right hand 2 months ago. I never realised how dependent I could be on my husband. In the first day after surgery, I could not even go to the restroom myself because I could not pull up my pants. Seriously! At every step, John was there. He did everything I couldn't. He served me unconditionally and never once grumbled. He even switched sides with me on our bed because he didn't want to "accidentally hit my hand while we were sleeping". He chauffeured me around, helped me with my clothes, bought me food, carried my things, opened bottle caps and basically covered the million and one things you can't do without your right hand.

He lovingly but firmly insisted that I do the exercises for my hand. I will never know what went through his mind that very first time he did therapy for me . As he bent my fingers, tears just streamed down my face with his every move. I was in so much pain. But the pain was necessary and he never wavered. He knew that he was the mental strength I needed because I so wanted him to stop.

And just when we thought the worst was over, chickenpox struck. I mean, it was almost funny when I realised I got chickenpox. So our journey continued. John continued to serve me like never before. He stayed home with me throughout the duration of the pox, giving up time at work and the things he enjoyed outside. He sacrificed the opportunity to play at service - and I know he really wanted to play last weekend. He sleeps in the living room, getting harrassed by our hyper and nocturnal cats at night. He drives around to collect food for me that others have prepared. He checks if I have taken my medication, and patiently applies calamine lotion to the disgusting looking bubbles all over my body. The list goes on.

So if there's anything I've learnt in this period, that is, I am loved, and God is manifested through the love others have shown me. Because 1 John 4:12 says "No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." There were many times I felt bad and embarrassed about receiving love from others. But I am reminded that receiving is part of giving, which is all part of love. And if this is what God is showing me in this season, then I shall see with eyes that are willing and obedient.

So it remains to see how I shall freely give as I have freely received. And the meditations and reflections of the other things I have learnt in this season will continue. God is good, all the time.

letting go

i find it remarkable that we can all be faced with the same circumstances yet make absolutely different choices. sometimes the right thing to do can be so clear to one person, but completely concealed to another. our hearts, minds, experiences, values and fears mould and shape the way we make those choices. i have been facing many precious young people lately who have had to make some of the most difficult choices they will ever find themselves making. some of them amaze and inspire me, but others break my heart. my heart is broken for those who are driven by hopelessness and despair, whose lives have just been robbed of all joy, hope and future, and they now only look forward to getting by a day at a time. i plead with God to change their hearts and minds, but God says it is a choice they must make. i say to Him, but surely nothing is impossible with you - you can change their minds! but He says, if He does not allow choices, He will not be loving. in response, i said, but God, if You would only do that, there will be no more suicides, abortions, drug abuse, hatred and war... and He said... exactly... and i cried. because i know those were not God's choices, but ours. He is always loving, always kind, always good, but we are not.

im standing with these young people at the crossroads of their lives. i can only pray, advise, support and love them, no matter what choices they make. i wish i could change their minds, but i realise the powers of my persuasion are so limited. letting go is truly hard. my heart aches for those who choose the way of fear and hopelessness. but im reminded of the times i made those frightful decisions out of fear and ignorance, and how God is still able, still willing and still good... He is still good. it's so hard to see that right now when all i want to see is just a miracle. a miracle. a miracle.

God, i love you. i don't always understand why things happen the way they do. i will do my best with what i have, and what i know of You. You are good.

So take me to the mountain
I will follow where You lead
There I’ll lay the body
Of the boy You gave to me
And even though You take him
Still I ever will obey
But Maker of this mountain, please
Make another way

pray

The past week has been filled with reports of disaster after disaster.

"Entire villages wiped off the map..."

"4000 people buried..."

"Let the rest go..."

I asked God, how do I pray? What am I even supposed to do about this?

And He said,

"What's important is not how or what you pray, but that you do pray."

I get it now.

the last ghost

i know. cryptic title to this blog entry. people who have known me only in the past 10 years will not know what i mean. but those who have known me longer than that will probably have an idea.

last week, God surfaced an "old ghost" from my past. it hurt very deeply. i wrestled with it for days with much tears and pain. i thought i had forgiven and was trying to understand why i still felt so much pain even though i had forgiven years ago. relief and light came in the form of a conversation i had with a wise man. he told me it was more grief than unforgiveness that i felt. and i understood that. it was 15 years of unexpressed grief that came gushing out one night last week. i thought i was going to choke from my own tears. the pain seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere. i had not felt pain like this for a long while.

grief. what a strange emotion. grief happens when there's loss. i reflected on what the loss was. more than 15 years ago. i didn't even know it was possible to still remember that loss. but it was. and so, God, in His great love and mercy for me, gave me 15 years to prepare for this one night where i would have His strength to carry on.

and so today i met the "last ghost". in person. it was strange but i was ok. surprisingly ok. God has healed me. now i know.

minutes ago, i conversed with God about what happened today. He said i am now more vulnerable. i saw a picture of an onion being peeled, and this was the last "old skin". it fell off, and what remained was the heart of the onion. fresh, powerful, pure, and incredibly vulnerable.

and He said, remember each time you dealt with one of these skins? it always preceded a major breakthrough. I always brought you to a new level after one of these episodes of healing.

i remember, God. i remember. every single one of them. and i'm ready for the next level.

how amazing the love of my God. how amazing.

A fresh sound

Lately I hear a fresh sound of worship in church. It's been a while since I heard our church sing like that. It's something I can't quite put my finger on. It sounds like the cry of a people who have come alive in God. It sounds like the cry of a people who have perhaps, remembered that they also have something to die for. It also sounds like the cry of a people who suddenly realised that following Jesus comes with a price.

Today I heard a wise man say, "Persecution sometimes makes the church come alive." Is that what's happening to us? I scarcely think what we're going through is considered "persecution", but then again, it's probably the closest we've gotten to it so far. I think what it awakens in us is the awareness that it's not just what we're willing to live for, but what we're willing to die for.

The safest place we can be is in a place where God is firmly established as sovereign and loving. I think that's why expressing our worship is so important. When we worship, we are focusing on God, on who He is, what He's done and what He will do. We exalt and lift up Jesus, declaring that He is King, Lord and Master. Then we come to a place where our souls and spirits suddenly gasp, "God is here! We are safe! Don't be afraid!", and we heave a sigh of relief and peace.

The events of the past month have driven many people to this place. Even though there is division in certain quarters, I sense in my spirit a surge towards God. Perhaps people are searching for answers, for truth, for peace, for vindication, or just for common sense. Whatever it is, people are looking for God. It doesn't matter which perspective we're looking from. I think what matters most is what we're looking AT. God alone unites. He is the ultimate epitome of unity in His Trinity. In our differences, when we fix our eyes upon beautiful Jesus Christ, every tongue, tribe, nation and people will be united in Him.

So that's why I'm excited with the fresh sound of worship I'm hearing in church lately. No matter what the enemy is doing, whenever his schemes drive people to Jesus, he has failed. For me, there's nothing more rewarding and safe than the presence of God, and worship is the pathway to that presence. Oh may we learn that God! May we always desire to get in Your presence and stay there!

I yearn for a deeper stirring of our spirits. I yearn for increased hunger in our church for truth, for grace, for power and for love. May this truth be established - Emmanuel, God with us.

Father God, stir our hearts in ways that only You can.
Don't let us grow cold
Let the flame of Your Spirit fan the fire in our souls
For truth and justice, grace and mercy.

Father God, we worship You
In our differences, unite us as we look to You
In our weakness, strengthen us as we look to You
God You are with us!

I shall not want

I began with the noble intention of addressing the issues at hand, seeking to encourage and bring hope and faith in times like these. But the refrains of “give me Jesus...” overtook my thoughts.

However noble and crucial our thoughts and actions may be, at the end of the day, are we still focusing on Jesus, and loving Him? Surrendering all else, and being anxious for nothing?

I confess I was anxious for a few things. Not many, and not debilitating, but still, anxious. God reminded me that He will give me my life as a prize (Jer 45:5) and Jesus is my reward. Is that sufficient? Can I echo the words of the apostle Paul “Your grace is sufficient for me, Your strength is made perfect in my weakness”? (2 Cor 12:9)

That is my prayer and desire. To say that my God is sufficient and I shall not want. In the words of the shepherd king after God’s heart - “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.”

That is my song. Today and always.

In the morning when I rise
In the morning when I rise
In the morning when I rise
Give me Jesus

Being still

it's been more than 3 months since my last break in january. just returned from sydney yesterday after a long week of family-ing. i have never spent so much time in close proximity with them. it was good. family time is always good.

so now i'm back at home, enjoying the silence. not really wanting to talk or do anything except rest. really rest.

sometimes it takes some much strength just to be still. thankfully i don't struggle with that very often because i love to sleep. haha. i thank God for that gift.

but sleeping and being still are 2 totally different things. i have discovered that being still in my spirit and "knowing He is God" is quite a totally different matter altogether. i can be physically rested and yet be anxious and edgy about my life. being still requires discipline, practice and an absolute trust in a God who never rushes, never fusses and definitely never worries.

so i learn daily to practice His presence. to know that He is God and that all creation must obey His bidding, including me.

find rest my soul
in Christ alone
know His power
in quietness and trust

2:59AM

it's 2.40am on a sunday morning and i really should be in bed. but being up at this hour, tired and vulnerable, thinking about my day, about my year, surfaces thoughts and reflections and make me unable to sleep, at least not till i've penned all these thoughts down.

i'm grateful for this life i have. grateful for every waking moment where i have the opportunity to worship God with everything i have. today i was reminded that i am still a work in progress. this lady preaching at youth service said so and yah, what am i saying...? this lady was me. haha. i do preach to myself sometimes, because i heard somewhere that some of the most powerful sermons are those you preach to yourself because it makes it real.

and so today i preached to myself. reminded myself again and again that i am to be transformed into Christ-likeness, and that transformation is not about making a more moral and improved version of jennifer, but to become like Jesus in His full beauty and glory.

so i realise that every moment of my day is filled with thoughts of whether i have pleased Him. not in a freaky condemning kind of way, but in a way described by the songwriter who wrote these beautiful lyrics - "may my life reflect the beauty of my Lord". i wonder if i had pointed people to the all-wonderful and all-loving God, who has since become the lover of my soul.

i reflected on the many moments in life when i had not reflected His beauty and i had said, God, you must have made a mistake choosing me. who am i to think God would make a mistake?

i'm grateful for this job that i have. well it's not really a job... i just get paid for doing what i love. that's nice. i remember my career philosophy when young, which is "to find a job i love so much that i never have to work a day in my life". well i don't wake up every morning jumping for joy, but there's a deep gratitude for the privilege of being able to impact and sow into people's lives through my brokenness, my successes, and my story.

many times i wish i knew more, could do more, was more gifted, more talented, more popular, had the answers and could be the solution to all of life's problems. but thankfully i'm not, because i couldn't possibly bear the weight of that responsibility. plus, i'm not God, so that's good. so i am content with not knowing, and enjoying the adventure of discovering every step of the way. of discovering how i worship God through my work, my friendships, my leadership, my family, my marriage, my teaching, my dreams, and everything else in between.

so it's at 3am that i share these thoughts, in between tiredness, worrying for Boo Boo and feeling compelled to write all these down... i sense His presence and closeness. the Spirit that knows it all and yet still loves and protects. the Spirit that taught me not to fear the darkness and that i am invincible till the day He calls me home. oh Holy Spirit. You are amazing.

this is my story
this is my song
praising my Saviour
all the day long