2:59AM

it's 2.40am on a sunday morning and i really should be in bed. but being up at this hour, tired and vulnerable, thinking about my day, about my year, surfaces thoughts and reflections and make me unable to sleep, at least not till i've penned all these thoughts down.

i'm grateful for this life i have. grateful for every waking moment where i have the opportunity to worship God with everything i have. today i was reminded that i am still a work in progress. this lady preaching at youth service said so and yah, what am i saying...? this lady was me. haha. i do preach to myself sometimes, because i heard somewhere that some of the most powerful sermons are those you preach to yourself because it makes it real.

and so today i preached to myself. reminded myself again and again that i am to be transformed into Christ-likeness, and that transformation is not about making a more moral and improved version of jennifer, but to become like Jesus in His full beauty and glory.

so i realise that every moment of my day is filled with thoughts of whether i have pleased Him. not in a freaky condemning kind of way, but in a way described by the songwriter who wrote these beautiful lyrics - "may my life reflect the beauty of my Lord". i wonder if i had pointed people to the all-wonderful and all-loving God, who has since become the lover of my soul.

i reflected on the many moments in life when i had not reflected His beauty and i had said, God, you must have made a mistake choosing me. who am i to think God would make a mistake?

i'm grateful for this job that i have. well it's not really a job... i just get paid for doing what i love. that's nice. i remember my career philosophy when young, which is "to find a job i love so much that i never have to work a day in my life". well i don't wake up every morning jumping for joy, but there's a deep gratitude for the privilege of being able to impact and sow into people's lives through my brokenness, my successes, and my story.

many times i wish i knew more, could do more, was more gifted, more talented, more popular, had the answers and could be the solution to all of life's problems. but thankfully i'm not, because i couldn't possibly bear the weight of that responsibility. plus, i'm not God, so that's good. so i am content with not knowing, and enjoying the adventure of discovering every step of the way. of discovering how i worship God through my work, my friendships, my leadership, my family, my marriage, my teaching, my dreams, and everything else in between.

so it's at 3am that i share these thoughts, in between tiredness, worrying for Boo Boo and feeling compelled to write all these down... i sense His presence and closeness. the Spirit that knows it all and yet still loves and protects. the Spirit that taught me not to fear the darkness and that i am invincible till the day He calls me home. oh Holy Spirit. You are amazing.

this is my story
this is my song
praising my Saviour
all the day long