When I don't believe

My lunch appointment was 20 minutes late. So as I sat in church waiting for him to turn up, I had a chat with a lady whom I had wanted to speak to since I saw her around in church, but never quite had the chance nor time to.

Dan Dan (her name) is from China, and has been working in Singapore for 7 months, in COOS as a cleaner for the last 1 month. I asked about her family and she told me her husband and her work in Singapore, and she has a 4-year old daughter back in China. I could see the pain in her eyes when she spoke about her daughter. It was clearly a daily struggle to think about who she left behind.

As the conversation continued, she told me that recently she was introduced to "a Book" that talks about truth and how to live and somewhere in there, God. I asked her, do you believe, and she said, "Yes, I do."

"But..." she continued, "I find that sometimes I believe and sometimes I don't. I feel a lot of peace when I read that book. And I enjoy weekends because I can hear songs about God."

"But sometimes I really don't feel God near me. I really need to see Him. When I pray, I ask Him to show Himself to me. I really hope that I can see this God who gives me such peace."

I was deeply encouraged and moved by her simple faith and desire and assured her that God has heard her prayers, and will answer the desires of her heart. I walked away from that little chat thanking God for someone who can still be so true about her faith. About believing sometimes, and doubting sometimes.

I guess after years of being a Christian and now having the tag of "pastor" or "leader" or whatever, it gets harder to be honest about the struggles I have about God, about my faith, about my fears and doubts. That conversation with Dan Dan reminded me that God looks at my heart, and I can fool everyone, including myself, but not Him. He doesn't require me to be perfect, but He does ask that I be broken and humble before Him.

There is no doubt that God is real to me, but there are times my song loses its strength and it gets hard to pray. There are times when I ask God when He's taking me home because it's getting real hard to stay true to Him this side of eternity. There are times when I feel I have nothing left to give, and yet am still expected to.

But I thank God for the years of faithfulness in my life, and for the certainty and familiarity of a pathway to Him - through worship. I play a song about His love or grace or strength, make a choice to lift my hands... and even if I cannot find the strength to sing, I can still close my eyes and reach for Him in my heart.

And I can always find Him there.

You are my strength
Strength like no other
You lift me up
You lift me up

That I might save some

I sat today pondering how God sees us. I asked Him how a person can be reached. I asked Him how to reach a smart student, a poor tissue seller, a mentally ill young man, a rich businessman, a busy mother. And for each, there was a unique way, and I felt a sense of helplessness just thinking about that. I wondered how I was going to be all things to all men.

1 Corinthians 9:19-23
Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

I don't think I can say that of myself, like the way the great Apostle Paul said it. Just reaching out to youth is mind-boggling, with its countless "sub-cultures". But then again, such an aspiration is so noble, but not impossible.

I sat at the hawker centre today, and I pondered.

And the Holy Spirit said, "Don't worry. Just do your best. I will give you the wisdom and the ways. You just focus on Me."

And I got up, and walked off... at peace.

Cardboard Testimonies

I cried so much watching this.



He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are
and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That He loves us!

Expecting Magnificence

I was feeling a little tired this week and was counting down to the day I will be able to take a breather ie. Monday. Not that I dislike what I do, just that sometimes I feel a great need to slow down. Today I had a great top up to my week and am grateful for the people I met and spoke to, as well as a quiet but refreshing time at cell.

Meantime I am expecting God to show up in magnificence tomorrow. I simply can't live with anything less. The irony of it is His presence leaves me wanting more and perfectly satisfied all at the same time. How could I settle for less when He is the God of abundance and overflowing?