i know. cryptic title to this blog entry. people who have known me only in the past 10 years will not know what i mean. but those who have known me longer than that will probably have an idea.
last week, God surfaced an "old ghost" from my past. it hurt very deeply. i wrestled with it for days with much tears and pain. i thought i had forgiven and was trying to understand why i still felt so much pain even though i had forgiven years ago. relief and light came in the form of a conversation i had with a wise man. he told me it was more grief than unforgiveness that i felt. and i understood that. it was 15 years of unexpressed grief that came gushing out one night last week. i thought i was going to choke from my own tears. the pain seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere. i had not felt pain like this for a long while.
grief. what a strange emotion. grief happens when there's loss. i reflected on what the loss was. more than 15 years ago. i didn't even know it was possible to still remember that loss. but it was. and so, God, in His great love and mercy for me, gave me 15 years to prepare for this one night where i would have His strength to carry on.
and so today i met the "last ghost". in person. it was strange but i was ok. surprisingly ok. God has healed me. now i know.
minutes ago, i conversed with God about what happened today. He said i am now more vulnerable. i saw a picture of an onion being peeled, and this was the last "old skin". it fell off, and what remained was the heart of the onion. fresh, powerful, pure, and incredibly vulnerable.
and He said, remember each time you dealt with one of these skins? it always preceded a major breakthrough. I always brought you to a new level after one of these episodes of healing.
i remember, God. i remember. every single one of them. and i'm ready for the next level.
how amazing the love of my God. how amazing.
