Freely receive, freely give

This has been a physically challenging year for me. First I was diagnosed with Meniere's Disease in January, then a slipped disc in the neck in June, then a bone tumour in my hand in August followed by surgery which I'm still recovering from, and now chickenpox in November.

Many people have graciously and lovingly reminded me that perhaps, God's wanting me to rest. While I won't deny that rest is certainly important, I find it rather difficult to think that my loving Father would use these means to meet His purpose. I don't deny that rest is important for me, and I have been running myself ragged quite often, but to have one physical ailment after another so that I can rest? I can scarcely believe it.

So begins my journey of figuring out why this year has been wrought with sickness and disease. I can come up with several reasons myself, and am still in the midst of figuring it out. But out of this season of feeling "pressed by not crushed, struck down but not destroyed", there is certainly one thing I have learnt and experienced deeply - and that is love.

I experienced love from my staff team. Being on medical leave for one month due to the hand surgery meant that they had to hold the fort. I have not heard one single whisper of complaint or resentment for that. On the contrary, extraordinary grace and support have been extended, and every single member of my team has risen up to fill the gaps I have left.

I saw how they rallied around me and each other. Besides pulling in extra for the work, they served me by driving me around, helping with my physio, cutting my food into smaller pieces, and banning me from attending more meetings than I should.

And when chickenpox hit, I was so moved when some of them offered to cook for me. Home-cooked food is a rarity for me, and when I get it at every meal for the past week, it is such a treat. I can hardly believe that I'm eating food cooked by Dee, John's mum, Jacq Phun, her mum and Sharon! They prepared food that was suitable for me, and made lots of "cooling" drinks for me as well. As the Chinese saying goes, food goes into your mouth, but the sweetness is in the heart. This entry doesn't do justice to the kindness and generosity they have shown, and this includes all the husbands as well!

And the youth! They have been sending me emails and messages, praying for me and encouraging me. Today, a group of them even turned up at my door with a special surprise just to cheer me up because they heard that I was miserable being cooped up at home. Loved!

But the epitome of it all is my amazing husband. He has been unwavering in his prayers and care for me. Of course, that's what he's supposed to do (well, he said so in our wedding vows! "in sickness and in health"... Haha...) But I guess I didn't realise the impact of those words and what it REALLY means to love IN sickness.

This is especially marked during the recovery from the surgery at my right hand 2 months ago. I never realised how dependent I could be on my husband. In the first day after surgery, I could not even go to the restroom myself because I could not pull up my pants. Seriously! At every step, John was there. He did everything I couldn't. He served me unconditionally and never once grumbled. He even switched sides with me on our bed because he didn't want to "accidentally hit my hand while we were sleeping". He chauffeured me around, helped me with my clothes, bought me food, carried my things, opened bottle caps and basically covered the million and one things you can't do without your right hand.

He lovingly but firmly insisted that I do the exercises for my hand. I will never know what went through his mind that very first time he did therapy for me . As he bent my fingers, tears just streamed down my face with his every move. I was in so much pain. But the pain was necessary and he never wavered. He knew that he was the mental strength I needed because I so wanted him to stop.

And just when we thought the worst was over, chickenpox struck. I mean, it was almost funny when I realised I got chickenpox. So our journey continued. John continued to serve me like never before. He stayed home with me throughout the duration of the pox, giving up time at work and the things he enjoyed outside. He sacrificed the opportunity to play at service - and I know he really wanted to play last weekend. He sleeps in the living room, getting harrassed by our hyper and nocturnal cats at night. He drives around to collect food for me that others have prepared. He checks if I have taken my medication, and patiently applies calamine lotion to the disgusting looking bubbles all over my body. The list goes on.

So if there's anything I've learnt in this period, that is, I am loved, and God is manifested through the love others have shown me. Because 1 John 4:12 says "No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." There were many times I felt bad and embarrassed about receiving love from others. But I am reminded that receiving is part of giving, which is all part of love. And if this is what God is showing me in this season, then I shall see with eyes that are willing and obedient.

So it remains to see how I shall freely give as I have freely received. And the meditations and reflections of the other things I have learnt in this season will continue. God is good, all the time.