letting go

i find it remarkable that we can all be faced with the same circumstances yet make absolutely different choices. sometimes the right thing to do can be so clear to one person, but completely concealed to another. our hearts, minds, experiences, values and fears mould and shape the way we make those choices. i have been facing many precious young people lately who have had to make some of the most difficult choices they will ever find themselves making. some of them amaze and inspire me, but others break my heart. my heart is broken for those who are driven by hopelessness and despair, whose lives have just been robbed of all joy, hope and future, and they now only look forward to getting by a day at a time. i plead with God to change their hearts and minds, but God says it is a choice they must make. i say to Him, but surely nothing is impossible with you - you can change their minds! but He says, if He does not allow choices, He will not be loving. in response, i said, but God, if You would only do that, there will be no more suicides, abortions, drug abuse, hatred and war... and He said... exactly... and i cried. because i know those were not God's choices, but ours. He is always loving, always kind, always good, but we are not.

im standing with these young people at the crossroads of their lives. i can only pray, advise, support and love them, no matter what choices they make. i wish i could change their minds, but i realise the powers of my persuasion are so limited. letting go is truly hard. my heart aches for those who choose the way of fear and hopelessness. but im reminded of the times i made those frightful decisions out of fear and ignorance, and how God is still able, still willing and still good... He is still good. it's so hard to see that right now when all i want to see is just a miracle. a miracle. a miracle.

God, i love you. i don't always understand why things happen the way they do. i will do my best with what i have, and what i know of You. You are good.

So take me to the mountain
I will follow where You lead
There I’ll lay the body
Of the boy You gave to me
And even though You take him
Still I ever will obey
But Maker of this mountain, please
Make another way

pray

The past week has been filled with reports of disaster after disaster.

"Entire villages wiped off the map..."

"4000 people buried..."

"Let the rest go..."

I asked God, how do I pray? What am I even supposed to do about this?

And He said,

"What's important is not how or what you pray, but that you do pray."

I get it now.

the last ghost

i know. cryptic title to this blog entry. people who have known me only in the past 10 years will not know what i mean. but those who have known me longer than that will probably have an idea.

last week, God surfaced an "old ghost" from my past. it hurt very deeply. i wrestled with it for days with much tears and pain. i thought i had forgiven and was trying to understand why i still felt so much pain even though i had forgiven years ago. relief and light came in the form of a conversation i had with a wise man. he told me it was more grief than unforgiveness that i felt. and i understood that. it was 15 years of unexpressed grief that came gushing out one night last week. i thought i was going to choke from my own tears. the pain seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere. i had not felt pain like this for a long while.

grief. what a strange emotion. grief happens when there's loss. i reflected on what the loss was. more than 15 years ago. i didn't even know it was possible to still remember that loss. but it was. and so, God, in His great love and mercy for me, gave me 15 years to prepare for this one night where i would have His strength to carry on.

and so today i met the "last ghost". in person. it was strange but i was ok. surprisingly ok. God has healed me. now i know.

minutes ago, i conversed with God about what happened today. He said i am now more vulnerable. i saw a picture of an onion being peeled, and this was the last "old skin". it fell off, and what remained was the heart of the onion. fresh, powerful, pure, and incredibly vulnerable.

and He said, remember each time you dealt with one of these skins? it always preceded a major breakthrough. I always brought you to a new level after one of these episodes of healing.

i remember, God. i remember. every single one of them. and i'm ready for the next level.

how amazing the love of my God. how amazing.

A fresh sound

Lately I hear a fresh sound of worship in church. It's been a while since I heard our church sing like that. It's something I can't quite put my finger on. It sounds like the cry of a people who have come alive in God. It sounds like the cry of a people who have perhaps, remembered that they also have something to die for. It also sounds like the cry of a people who suddenly realised that following Jesus comes with a price.

Today I heard a wise man say, "Persecution sometimes makes the church come alive." Is that what's happening to us? I scarcely think what we're going through is considered "persecution", but then again, it's probably the closest we've gotten to it so far. I think what it awakens in us is the awareness that it's not just what we're willing to live for, but what we're willing to die for.

The safest place we can be is in a place where God is firmly established as sovereign and loving. I think that's why expressing our worship is so important. When we worship, we are focusing on God, on who He is, what He's done and what He will do. We exalt and lift up Jesus, declaring that He is King, Lord and Master. Then we come to a place where our souls and spirits suddenly gasp, "God is here! We are safe! Don't be afraid!", and we heave a sigh of relief and peace.

The events of the past month have driven many people to this place. Even though there is division in certain quarters, I sense in my spirit a surge towards God. Perhaps people are searching for answers, for truth, for peace, for vindication, or just for common sense. Whatever it is, people are looking for God. It doesn't matter which perspective we're looking from. I think what matters most is what we're looking AT. God alone unites. He is the ultimate epitome of unity in His Trinity. In our differences, when we fix our eyes upon beautiful Jesus Christ, every tongue, tribe, nation and people will be united in Him.

So that's why I'm excited with the fresh sound of worship I'm hearing in church lately. No matter what the enemy is doing, whenever his schemes drive people to Jesus, he has failed. For me, there's nothing more rewarding and safe than the presence of God, and worship is the pathway to that presence. Oh may we learn that God! May we always desire to get in Your presence and stay there!

I yearn for a deeper stirring of our spirits. I yearn for increased hunger in our church for truth, for grace, for power and for love. May this truth be established - Emmanuel, God with us.

Father God, stir our hearts in ways that only You can.
Don't let us grow cold
Let the flame of Your Spirit fan the fire in our souls
For truth and justice, grace and mercy.

Father God, we worship You
In our differences, unite us as we look to You
In our weakness, strengthen us as we look to You
God You are with us!

I shall not want

I began with the noble intention of addressing the issues at hand, seeking to encourage and bring hope and faith in times like these. But the refrains of “give me Jesus...” overtook my thoughts.

However noble and crucial our thoughts and actions may be, at the end of the day, are we still focusing on Jesus, and loving Him? Surrendering all else, and being anxious for nothing?

I confess I was anxious for a few things. Not many, and not debilitating, but still, anxious. God reminded me that He will give me my life as a prize (Jer 45:5) and Jesus is my reward. Is that sufficient? Can I echo the words of the apostle Paul “Your grace is sufficient for me, Your strength is made perfect in my weakness”? (2 Cor 12:9)

That is my prayer and desire. To say that my God is sufficient and I shall not want. In the words of the shepherd king after God’s heart - “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.”

That is my song. Today and always.

In the morning when I rise
In the morning when I rise
In the morning when I rise
Give me Jesus

Being still

it's been more than 3 months since my last break in january. just returned from sydney yesterday after a long week of family-ing. i have never spent so much time in close proximity with them. it was good. family time is always good.

so now i'm back at home, enjoying the silence. not really wanting to talk or do anything except rest. really rest.

sometimes it takes some much strength just to be still. thankfully i don't struggle with that very often because i love to sleep. haha. i thank God for that gift.

but sleeping and being still are 2 totally different things. i have discovered that being still in my spirit and "knowing He is God" is quite a totally different matter altogether. i can be physically rested and yet be anxious and edgy about my life. being still requires discipline, practice and an absolute trust in a God who never rushes, never fusses and definitely never worries.

so i learn daily to practice His presence. to know that He is God and that all creation must obey His bidding, including me.

find rest my soul
in Christ alone
know His power
in quietness and trust

2:59AM

it's 2.40am on a sunday morning and i really should be in bed. but being up at this hour, tired and vulnerable, thinking about my day, about my year, surfaces thoughts and reflections and make me unable to sleep, at least not till i've penned all these thoughts down.

i'm grateful for this life i have. grateful for every waking moment where i have the opportunity to worship God with everything i have. today i was reminded that i am still a work in progress. this lady preaching at youth service said so and yah, what am i saying...? this lady was me. haha. i do preach to myself sometimes, because i heard somewhere that some of the most powerful sermons are those you preach to yourself because it makes it real.

and so today i preached to myself. reminded myself again and again that i am to be transformed into Christ-likeness, and that transformation is not about making a more moral and improved version of jennifer, but to become like Jesus in His full beauty and glory.

so i realise that every moment of my day is filled with thoughts of whether i have pleased Him. not in a freaky condemning kind of way, but in a way described by the songwriter who wrote these beautiful lyrics - "may my life reflect the beauty of my Lord". i wonder if i had pointed people to the all-wonderful and all-loving God, who has since become the lover of my soul.

i reflected on the many moments in life when i had not reflected His beauty and i had said, God, you must have made a mistake choosing me. who am i to think God would make a mistake?

i'm grateful for this job that i have. well it's not really a job... i just get paid for doing what i love. that's nice. i remember my career philosophy when young, which is "to find a job i love so much that i never have to work a day in my life". well i don't wake up every morning jumping for joy, but there's a deep gratitude for the privilege of being able to impact and sow into people's lives through my brokenness, my successes, and my story.

many times i wish i knew more, could do more, was more gifted, more talented, more popular, had the answers and could be the solution to all of life's problems. but thankfully i'm not, because i couldn't possibly bear the weight of that responsibility. plus, i'm not God, so that's good. so i am content with not knowing, and enjoying the adventure of discovering every step of the way. of discovering how i worship God through my work, my friendships, my leadership, my family, my marriage, my teaching, my dreams, and everything else in between.

so it's at 3am that i share these thoughts, in between tiredness, worrying for Boo Boo and feeling compelled to write all these down... i sense His presence and closeness. the Spirit that knows it all and yet still loves and protects. the Spirit that taught me not to fear the darkness and that i am invincible till the day He calls me home. oh Holy Spirit. You are amazing.

this is my story
this is my song
praising my Saviour
all the day long